the bird on the ground

i am being taken into custody in a joint operation run by a very high-quality intelligence agency and a secret space agency. when i step outside, the place is full of fbi cars. i say to myself, i can't even outrun a single yunus , look at the organization they’ve put together for me. they are all guys in glasses with coiled earpieces, but they don't look american at all. not because they aren't american, but because having the front of our house as the background makes it completely unconvincing. they push away the people asking questions, saying "we can't talk about an ongoing investigation." the neighborhood locals immediately label me a pkk member on the spot and sell me out. i yell back, "am i the one releasing apo, you assholes?!" while i am reprimanding the agents in english for entering the house with their shoes on they put me into a renault kangoo. meanwhile the others are getting into chevrolet suvs. i say to the driver, "bro plea...

who knows what your id number looks like. you and few people who love you do. you're a random person to me, but i know your previous phone number, even memorized it. yes, they've given me someone else's number again .  i could go to certain banks and find out your id number. some shitty bank you never bothered to update your information with; like teb . i'd act like i'm you. i'd wear a suit and pin a chp badge to my lapel. they'd say a code is going to be sent to me, and i'd pull my head back as if i can't read it, instead of just moving the phone forward. i'd read out the code, but it wouldn't get me anywhere, and the teller would find it strange that i'm a different person and wouldn't give me your id number.  people's id numbers are different but their lives are similar. when i was in primary school i called the school bus driver "teacher" and felt awful about it; you called the shopkeeper near your school ...

just took a shit. my vagus nerve has been stimulated. i poured porçöz into the kettle. i was standing on the armchair, i put my heel right on the corner and slid down to the floor; that's how i knew i was in a good mood. the windows are open, the wind hadn't blown through the house in a long time. ten, fifteen years from now when i look back and remember these details of being in right now, i'll wonder exactly how being in right now felt:

ahmet beray erdem is happier than he has ever been in his life. if ahmet beray erdem were to turn around and look, his life had never been this bad, but: he is happy. ahmet beray erdem is older than he has ever been, his body is in the worst condition it has ever been in and it generates pain. for a week now, the twitch in his temple that had previously healed has returned and it brought a friend along with it. now the left side of ahmet beray erdem's nose twitches too. today, ahmet beray erdem had 106 tl in his bank account. even though he was outside, he visibly smiled at this situation. he was amazed at how someone with 106 tl in his account could be this happy. 106 tl is ahmet beray erdem's 'fuck you' money. even though ahmet beray erdem woke up feeling like shit this morning, he feels magnificent.  because ahmet beray erdem is no longer a slave to his mind. he made his mind a slave to himself. well, let's not say a slave, rather he made his mind into someon...

they address you like this. in the format of first name + last name + abi. it felt weird to me. at the same time, the fact that people whose voices sounded like they were 50-60 years old were calling me, a guy whose voice sounds like he is in his twenties, "abi" also felt weird to me. since i know your age more or less, i said to myself, "ahmet turan must be one of those people whom even his elders call abi, it's more like a nickname than a title." then, the fact that i made such a deduction with such limited data in my hands also felt weird to me.  when i explained to them that the ahmet turan number they had was old, they didn't understand. they kept saying, "is it the wrong number?" and i would say, "no. the number is right. i am wrong. or rather, your timing is wrong." saying it like this makes it sound like i know you. when i say, "ahmet turan changed his number, i took over his previous number," it gives the impression...

the universe suddenly came into existence thirty-seven years ago. the earth came into existence within it, exactly as it was thirty-seven years ago. washing machines were also there, scattered here and there within the earth. if the washing machines stop, the universe will be destroyed. everything is for the washing machines. all of our lives revolve around washing machines. you buy a bunch of clothes and you wear them. then you make each other sweat. sometimes you tense each other up, sometimes you make each other laugh. sometimes you focus too much on something and forget to take off the things you're wearing and sweat. if your status is high, you tire others out, stress them out and make them sweat. you yourself sweat by exercising. if your status is low, you sweat for others and with the money you earn, you buy clothes to be washed in the washing machine. if it breaks down, you pay for its repair. for example, if a man were to say, "i will not comply with this system, i do...

since i am on your screen, let's dream together. let's be recep... mr. recep tayyip erdogan for a day. let's wake up or sleep wherever our imagination takes us. are you ready to come with me? it doesn't matter whether you are ready or not, i will take you wherever i want against your will anyway because i am mr. recep tayyip erdogan.  it's five in the morning. you woke up for the morning prayer. the sun rises at five fifty-eight. the imsak says so. i don't know if imsak means sunrise or if it has another conservative meaning. you want to leave it to the last minute. there is no excitement left in your life. let there be a little excitement, you start praying at fifty-six past . your advisors also object within the framework of respect. with the excuse that "a muslim warns a muslim". you have one hour. in that one hour, you will fill a notebook with the things you want to do until this year ends.  you write a few items and get bored. change the cons...

i don't want you to call me. this is outside the things i want. the things i want are to be happy. the things i don't want is you calling me from this number or similar numbers. you hanging up without saying anything when i answer. i am so sick of you. there are things i'm not sick of, things i'm a little sick of, things i'm normally sick of. this is not one of them. i am so sick of it. maybe you have a computer do all of this, you're not calling and hanging up manually. there is a two-second gap of silence before it hangs up. maybe you record these and listen to them one by one. i won't lie. i would have wanted those recordings too, but in my opinion the unpleasant situation you've created isn't worth it at all.  you call me completely disregarding the laws that should exist regarding this. once, when i ran out of coffee, i researched whether turkish coffee could be made in a french press. compared to you, i even research a rule that isn't in...

the chrysler building will be mine. the lower floors are for rent. two, maybe three office floors are dedicated to my employees. the top floor is my living space. in a separate workspace, i have fifty, maybe sixty clones of myself. they are my employees too. and about forty more are scattered around other parts of the world, getting fat salaries plus per diems.  the clones put the files on my computer into the appropriate folders and just tell me "this is over here." most of the clones listen to music with headphones all day. they find a random album from here or there, listen to it all day to see if there's a good song. then some of them get girlfriends. they date them for a few months to see if she is suitable for me. they tests their hypergamy. they report the most suitable one to me. that's how i marry my wife.  some of them read books all day. the non-clone translators on the lower floor read completely different books they found from here and there. one in du...

every time i wake from sleep, i wake up in my room. everything i wear is in my room. most of the things i buy stay in my room. my identity card stays in my room for the vast majority of my life. if i live to be seventy-six, it means it has stayed in my room for fifty years and eight months. the walls of my room close in on me when i am unemployed, when i have no money, when i am alone. my room knows almost no one but me. no one has been able to hurt me in my room, no one can. i am safe in my room. i eat in my room. i drink the majority of all the water i drink in my room. if i were rich, i would buy a bunch of stuff for my room. perhaps i would spend more than all the money i've earned so far on things that will just sit in my room. i even look outside from my room's window. sometimes i feel nice. it snows, i look outside, i see white. i look at night, orange and dark. if it were something capable of knowing, it would know everything about me. how much i've changed over the...

my heart is made up of its own unique muscles, beating an average of 70 times a minute. the wall of my heart consists of three layers: epicardium, myocardium, and endocardium. my heart has four chambers and weighs approximately two hundred and fifty grams. because of my heart, my left lung is smaller than my right lung. my heart pumps around nine thousand liters of blood daily, and it can no longer love anyone.

i forgot my age, then i calculated it and learned it again. then i found out about the horseshoe theory, didn't really agree with it and i thought/am-thinking of a different shape. then i looked up that piece of trivia i heard somewhere about love neurologically lasting three years at most; apparently it’s been reduced to two years. how do these people not die alone?

i looked at the time on my phone, it was 3:00. i looked at my other phone, it was the same there too. then i turned on the flash on that same phone and looked at my wristwatch, it was the same too. i was sure that if i had looked at the computer, i would get the same result. i was terrified.  i remember looking at virtual calendars. there are tables with lines and numbers are written on them. i swiped and the months changed. on other calendars, they are all the same and they all say the same thing. even though thoughts like "it's unclear what tomorrow will bring" are prevalent, according to the calendars, tomorrow is tuesday, may 10. it is completely predetermined what time it will be and when.   i know with more certainty than calendars and clocks that tomorrow i will play 101 while watching a movie. i will think about how i watched the worst version of apocalypse now and wonder how different the theatrical cut would be.  after not getting up from my seat for ho...

(can you keep an anchovy as a pet at home) apparently, it's an open-sea fish, it swims fast; home aquariums can't provide enough space, its water needs to be changed constantly, it smells bad... well, are these obstacles for me to keep an anchovy as a pet? yes. did i give up? yes. so did i change my mind? yes. a rabbit, apparently, eats everything, gnaws on things; it isn't a house pet, it goes against its nature.  a dog supposedly costs at least five hundred ytl a month. i already cost that much to maintain myself. besides, instead of adopting a dog, i'd just start smoking again and get more of a return on my investment. plus, the animal shouldn't be subjected to the adnan oktar treatment; you have to take it outside for walks.  cats are also really flimsy animals, they get sick immediately. apparently, they can't form bonds either. what am i supposed to do with an animal that doesn't love me? what did john lennon say? "love is wanting to be love...

i have a room, i'm sitting in it, it's very nice. if i want, i open the window and sounds come from outside; if i want, i close it. there's an armchair, there's a bed, there's a desk. i have a microsoft keyboard, its picture actually shows up in 'devices and printers' which normally doesn't happen. i have a lenovo that i plug the cable into, man, whoa. there's water, ten liters of it, i can drink water for a week without leaving my room. i have a coat rack, there are coats and jackets. i have three different pajamas, wow. i have a bunch of t-shirts. i can listen to music, i can watch movies for free, i have an external hard drive, two terabytes, whoa man, two terabytes. i have shirts i never wear, but whatever, they still exist and take up space. on play books, i have one hundred and eighty, look, one hundred and eighty e-books, i can read aylak adam over and over again whenever i want, but i probably won't. one hundred and eighty, man! if yo...